gone

Another man gone didnt die exactly but hes gone. the men are dwindeling down to nothing it feels like and i am wondering when i will be the next to go? i cant believe how it happened to rat. one day he started complaining about the bugs here at nam... at first it didnt seem not normal but then it got worse. he would talk about the bugs crawling inside him and muscrats eating his bones. he was going crazy and couldnt be here any longer. so one morning he took off his shoes and socks and just shot a round through his foot. i totally understand the guy. and i will vouch to say it was an accident. he couldnt bear the thought of being killed in nam and being left here and eaten by all the bugs. they took him away on a helicopter and hes happy now. who wouldnt be happy leaving this place. the haul is getting long now... i dunno how much longer ill stay mentally stable. but i have to take care of my men the best i can so iv gotta stay sain. this war is brutal though. theres too much death. the sight of death is everywhere the smell even. how much longer will i have to fight? how much longer do i have to live?

me now

so kiowa just died. i feel terrible. its all my fault. two deaths now i can account for that are my fault completely. the muddy fields were so nasty and i cant imagine his slow drownding death. and there he lays. still in the poop. i wish some how we could bring him home at least for a propper burrial but he is gone and we cant find him. nam is such a sad place and the things you see here are for no ones eyes. lately i havent been thinking about martha though thats the only good thing. iv been more focused and i am just waiting for all of this to be over so i can get home. i cant stop thinking about kiowa. if i would have chosen to move to higher land none of this would have ever happened. its my bad desision making that killed a good man. some times i think its just war and casualties happen but my thoughts always come back to me being the one responcible for people dying. i dunno what to think now because at the decision making time all my decisions seem right for my troop but in the end they always seem wrong. its like i cant see.

quite me

so iv been kinda reserved lately. my men are going a bit crazy and to keep my sanity i keep more to my self. i like it though its quite and peacefull alone out here. not technically. iv been missing the physical pictures of martha but i keep seeing them in my head. one guy flew in his girlfriend. it made me want martha more than ever, but seeing what happened to her makes me realize that this is not a place for women and martha being safe at home is best for her. although she wouldnt want to come out here to see me anyway. my pain is all in my head and i have not yet taken it out on others like some of the other men have with the nose breaking situation and the baby buffalo murder. those boys look crazy. i may be crazy but at lease i dont look it. i really hope this war ends soon iv been bored and sick and i just miss home and seeing martha. i could go for a couch a football game and a brewski right about now. martha snuggled up near. but thats not here where i am. i am in the cold mean jungle of nam and thats where ill stay.

martha

I am having a really hard time over here in vietnam. I miss my girl martha so much, shes all i think about. I love her with all of my heart and thats the worst part. my hearts with her not here in vietnam with my men. i cant focus on anything at all. my mind wanders to martha with every step i take. i have a new found hatred though... i burned her pictures last night because i realized she will never love me as i do her. Her face still burns in my mind though and its a sick true love. sick because today one of my men died because i was not here at war looking out for him i was on the sandy beaches of jersey shore with my darling martha. the thought of one of my men dying because of my carelessness will haunt me as long as im here. true because i will always love her even though i know she will not love me back. but here in this cold world im in i will move forward and continue to breath, think, and live martha.